<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>longing to be released by duskballum</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27662807">longing to be released</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/duskballum/pseuds/duskballum'>duskballum</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Betrayal, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Honesty, Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Soulmates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:21:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,011</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27662807</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/duskballum/pseuds/duskballum</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>secrets and underlying betrayal had been haunting Callum for months, but with time finally starting to run out he plans a desperate escape. That is until of course, Ben catches him bag and note at the ready and wants answers.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>longing to be released</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi! firstly sorry i have been AWOL, i’ve had mad amounts of uni work. </p><p>This fic is based off the spoilers for the 3rd &amp; 4th of December, “Callum preparing to flee” and “Ben stopping at nothing to get the truth” but also a tiny mention of Ben’s anger towards Ian, setting up for him to be a suspect when he gets attacked (as half the square are). </p><p>Also i wanted to make this social distancing friendly so that is an accurate portrayal of what we could actually get - meaning the camera trickery would come into play &amp;/or angles &amp; dummy’s would be used. </p><p>Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the serenade of the black winter night, the stars were an orchestra, providing a song for those who were trapped within the darkness. The streets lay bare and the roads stood still, that was of course until resident Ben Mitchell made his way up the cobbled stone market way. His steps were heavy, leaving his impact in the ground - his strides carried weight and meaning. This was because he had  been out and about for most of the evening, searching frantically for answers as to who called in the anonymous tip of his heist and because he was determined to make them pay for their betrayal. </p><p>He doesn’t trust easily, so every once of betrayal cuts all the more deeper, sending him into a self destructive spiral. He walked fast paced, his mind raced with thoughts and his hands were slung inside his grey coats pockets providing both warmth and swagger. He was still no closer to finding the answer he was craving, and the thought of the one responsible getting away with it enraged him beyond belief. After his failure all his mind tried to focus on was getting home to Callum, finding solstice in his warm touch and being reminded of the person he wants to be as opposed to the revenge set Mitchell everyone (&amp; even himself) viewed him as. </p><p>Meanwhile in the Mitchell residence Callum was drowning inside his own mind, each thought drained more air out of his lungs and caused his chest to tighten like a shoelace. These past few months had been bitter sweet. He had never been in a better place with Ben, they were domesticated and living together and Ben was finally being completely soul bearingly honest with him after what felt like a life time of being in the dark or the outside looking in. But regardless, Callum could barley even begin to enjoy this development when he was the one hiding information and shutting Ben out this time. </p><p>my time is almost up he thought to himself as he placed his final item of clothing into a black duffel bag and made his way into the kitchen. He threw down the bag on the kitchen floor and took out a letter labelled ‘Ben’ from the inside of his jacket pocket and then proceeded to look at it hesitantly for a long moment. The sight of the letter and the reminder of the words he had written stung more than any form of physical pain ever could. For a long time he couldn’t put the letter on the table. He knew that the moment he did, he had properly made his decision and that there was no going back and the weight of that decision placed heavy tears in his eyes and invited his chin to tremble. But it was a decision he had to make, and so he did. </p><p>He’d just picked up his bag after taking a final glance around the kitchen of what was his new home &amp; began to spin around to reach for the door handle but he was instead halted by Ben entering via it with a rather chipper expression that was soon quashed as he spotted the bag. </p><p>Ben undid his coat buttons whilst he scrunched up his face and asked half jokingly “where are you off to them eh?” with a snigger that almost instantly turned serious once Callum just stared back reluctantly. Callum took a brief pause, scrambled to find his words over the humongous lump lodged in his throat and eventually spurted, “i- i didn’t want you to find out this way” before he silenced himself and waited for a response.</p><p>Ben had a moment of confusion, but once his eyes made their way around the room and onto the table with the note on top it all became clear. “what so is that,” he pointed towards the note, “is that how you wanted me to find out you’re leaving me?” he spat angrily, completely taken a back by Callum’s sudden change of heart, his sudden desire to drop everything and leave him and with a note of all things. Callum shook his head whilst trying to fight back a flood of tears that he could feel brimming underneath the surface “please don’t make this any harder than it already is, Ben.” Ben’s jaw dropped open. He couldn’t believe the audacity, or the certainty in Callum’s tone. “harder? what could possibly be harder than leaving me Callum, i-i don’t understand what’s happening!” Ben lifted his hands in front of his face and waved them in a fluster, desperate to salvage this. Callum just looked at him, each word and ounce of hurt he could see in Ben’s eyes killed him slowly with the knowledge that he was causing that. But the fact was simple, he would rather break Ben’s heart and have him hate him than stick around and betray him and have him love him on a lie. “i just ... i can’t do this anymore Ben” he steadied his tone, held back his emotions and looked dead into his eyes. The look was reciprocated by Ben, but the moment the words left Callum’s tongue a tightness gripped Bens throat, and his eyes filled with tears as he titled his head knowingly. “do what? me?” he took a huge breath, “alright because i know i’ve been putting pressure on you about this call and i - i’ve been pushy but i’m so sorry and i never meant to make you feel pressured Cal, i really didn’t” he was desperate, the guilt consuming him. Callum slammed his eyes shut, knowing that there was no point in keeping information to himself anymore, “it was ian” he released. Ben became perplexed but didn’t say a word as he was waiting for the explanation, “it was ian who made the call. i found out the other day and i didn’t tell you because i knew you’d do something stupid in anger”. Ben muttered ‘ian....’ whilst gritting his teeth under his breath, not making a fuss of it now but keeping it noted in his mind. </p><p>“But you aren’t what i can’t do anymore, you - you’re perfect Ben it’s ... it’s not you putting pressure on me” Callum changed the topic slightly, not wanting Ben’s anger towards ian to take over the conversation but also desperately wanting to reassure him that it was nothing he had done that was causing his departure. “Well then .. then what” Ben began before being cut off, “it’s the pressure i’m allowing myself to be put under because of how much i love you.” Those last three words were all it took to break him, the tears he’d been fighting to hold back like a flood gate had been released and had made their way poetically down his cheeks and were illuminated under the soft lighting. He really meant those last three words. In a way so strong that no one else could ever mean them the same, he loved him completely, in every sense of the word and in every language, and that was why he was doing this. </p><p>His tears inadvertently caused Ben’s eyes to fill up, “you... you’re talking in riddles Callum. if ... if it’s not me and i’m not the one pressuring you then who is?” he asked softening his voice, inviting Callum to open up to him. Who is? Callum thought ... the question he’d been avoiding answering for the past few months, the burden he’d been carrying all alone and the thing that had caused him so much pain. The secret was wrapped around his neck like a snake, squeezing more out of him every second - and he longed to be released. He let out a tiny laugh before sighing,  “i guess there’s no point hiding it anymore ...” he paused and then continued, “Thompson.” Ben curled up his face in confusion, “your boss? Cal....” he raised an eyebrow not breaking eye contact. </p><p>“you weren’t released because i deleted the cctv footage of you at the warehouse Ben. You were released because Thompson made me an offer ...” Callum began to trace off, the guilt and the fear of how Ben would react consumed him completely. “An offer?” Ben repeated rather coldly, waiting for an explanation. “He didn’t want you, he wanted Phil - he still does want Phil. So he said he’d delete the footage and let you go if i agreed to help him get him” he stopped, noticing Ben’s visibly angered expression, and then continued - “ i said no, but he blackmailed me saying he’d send you to prison if i refused and i just ... i could not let you go back there Ben.” Ben let out what could only be described as a sign of relief, thinking that that was the end of the secrecy, “so ... so what that’s it? Thompson’s waiting for you to get my dad?” he asked certain that there was a way around this. Callum was taken a back by his sudden relief, and therefore even more worried about revealing the rest. “he carried on blackmailing me, he even blackmailed me into putting a bug in the arches-“ he spluttered, raising his voice the instant he saw it register with Ben that there is an illegal recording device in his property. “Thats how he knew about the heist before the call came in, he heard Kat and Phil on the bug” Ben looked as though he was about to explode so Callum intercepted once more, “he even tried to get me to wear a wire in the house to pick up conversations but i refused and he threatened me with a recording of me attacking Danny Hardcastle the day of Stuart’s wedding” the truth was becoming too much for Callum let alone Ben as he realised the true extent of how much he’d been manipulated. “Threatened you?” Ben asked protectively, even through the anger and the hurt his protective instincts kicked in. “He said he’d not only send you to prison but he’d send me down with you by using the recording of me and Danny” as much as it pained Callum to be honest, he also felt elated - like the thing that had been holding him down for ages finally loosened its grip. Ben quickly put two and two together and linked the blood he’d seen on Callum’s shirt to Danny Hardcastle, “why did you attack Danny? i mean, it don’t seem very copper and it certainly don’t seem very Callum” Ben asked inquisitively, “Because he threatened to hurt you Ben i- i couldn’t just let him hurt you” Callum insisted, making Ben realise that actually all of this was for him and that there was nothing he wouldn’t do for him, and he had never had anyone do that before. “Phil was there too, and i guess i wanted to prove to him i was on your side and that i’d choose you over anything!” his monotone voice had increasingly got more raised as he fought his corner. </p><p>Ben understood, he really did. But he couldn’t shake the underlying hypocrisy. “So all this time you were banging on about honesty and trust you were hiding all of this?” he hissed. “i know Ben, i know! but i needed you to be honest with me about your jobs so that i could protect you at work!” Callum was getting aggravated, he understood Bens anger and he certainly predicted it but he was frustrated none the less. Ben ran his hands over his head and stretched them behind his head, “so, what is that it? he can’t get my dad because there’s nothing except his illegal recording linking him to the cars?” he asked hoping that was the end. But that bought them onto current time, the reason Callum was packing his bags and fleeing leaving everything behind him. Tears danced down his cheeks as he prepared himself for the hard part - walking away. “He gave me two weeks to get Phil, once those two weeks are up he’ll send you to jail and me somewhere worse” he confessed, “it’s been two weeks” his voice croaked, the lump in his throat becoming unbearable as he peered emptily into Bens eyes, causing Ben’s to immediately release a tear because he knew what was coming, “Cal-.” Callum let out a deep breath, his tears traced their way down to his neck and remained there, “but i can’t let Phil go down, i don’t want to let Phil go down and i can’t stand here and watch you get taken away from me” his eyes were similar to overflowing buckets, every word causing another inch of water to fill it. Ben looked back at him desperately wanting to speak, but wasn’t able to find the words. “i’m so sorry Ben” Callum sobbed violently, his hands trembled and his breaths became more struggled, “i should of told you at the start but i thought i could handle it, or think of something but i’ve just made it worse and on top of all of that i’ve betrayed your trust”. </p><p>If there was one thing that pained Ben like no other it was seeing Callum so broken, even before they really knew each other and he saw him harming himself with a bottle he felt a unexplainable sense of sympathy for him, and that was no different if not ten times as prominent now. “The only thing i can do now is leave” he forced out of his mouth, having to close his eyes at the thought of walking out that door and leaving his family behind. He tightened his grip on his bag, wiped his sleeve across his cheeks and nose and began to shift towards the door, which caused Ben to move closer against it, whilst pleading “no! no Cal don’t leave me-“ desperately. “why would you want me to stay after everything i’ve just told you?” Callum asked perplexed and almost angrily at Ben blocking the door and prolonging his despair. Ben gulped, pressed his eyes shut and opened them again in a calmer tone and answered, “because this started with me and that stupid warehouse job. It was me who caused all of this, it was me who put you through all this pressure and this stress - all you did was protect me even if it had consequences for you” Ben had never wore his heart on his sleeve like this before, and he’d certainly never done a declaration, “no one has ever cared about me that much, stuck by me - persisted with me and i would be stupid to let that go over a couple lies.” He stopped as he watched his soulmates eye’s burst with pear shaped droplets right before him, “but most of all, i want you to stay because i love you and nothing could ever change how much i love you” he paused, “i can’t live without you Cal, i need you to stay” he blinked rapidly to let more suppressed tears out and whispered, “stay for me.” Callum’s shoulders relaxed and his breathing slowed, totally in shock at everything Ben had just confessed - stuff he could only dream of hearing, as he whispered back - “i want too.” This caused Ben to have hope, and a tiny smile of relief formed in the corner of his mouth, “then what’s stopping you except yourself?” he asked. “thompson sending you to prison or hurting me-“ he responded sheepishly but was halted, “listen to me, no one is hurting you and i ain’t going anywhere alright? i don’t know how, but we can sort this together.” He assured him with so much certainty that it made Callum instantly believe it, “i’ll be anywhere that you are ... remember?” Ben asked, repeating what Callum had said to him last year, causing Callum to let out a soft smile and a gentle nod. “How can you forgive me? just like that?” he inquired, “because you’ve done the same for me countless times before” Ben smiled, remembering all the times Callum didn’t walk away from him even though he arguably should of, and Callum smiled back believing every word. </p><p>He put his bag down beside the door and peered into bens eyes, whilst still being a reasonable distance away from him he could see them sparkling from over there, and Ben peered back. Their eyes said a thousand words, their shades of blue complimented each other like every ligament and bone in their bodies were made to co inside with the others. “i love you Ben” Callum let out softly, in a state of shock and joy that the truth was out and that he was still loved, that the truth was out and that yet for the first time in a long time he felt equipped to solve his Thompson issue - because he had Ben to confide in and work through it with. No matter how many times Callum said or signed it, Ben never got tired of hearing those words, each time giving him butterflies like the first. A huge smile crept onto his face the moment Callum released the words, “i love you too Cal” he smiled reassuringly, before motioning forward for a quick peck on the lips which was met briefly but passionately. “Now,” Ben moved over to the kitchen table and picked up the letter resting on it, “let’s rip this goodbye letter up, unpack that bag of yours and think of a way out of this” he laughed half jokingly and half seriously making his way into the leaving room, which was met and reciprocated from Callum who followed him.</p><p> </p><p>So after a long and stressful few months and an emotional night of honesty and discoveries, despite all the heartache and the pain remained the most basic yet strongest of principles - unconditional love. And it was that same unconditional love that resulted in them sitting and concocting a plan right there and then and beautifully falling asleep on the sofa afterwards wrapped up in the security and stability of each others arms.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading &amp; i hope you thought it was in character / realistic to what might (i hope!) actually happen on those dates. </p><p>Let me know what you think will happen in the comments! &amp; if you have any other recommendations for me to write (chrismtas?) be sure to let me know also :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>